where to get all the energy...

topic posted Sun, June 29, 2008 - 12:54 PM by  Sharka
hey lovely parents. just wondering how are you handeling it all. in my case, i work 5 days a week, then on the weekends i am a full on mother.
so there is basicaly no single day just to really recharge my battreries with no duties whatsoever. i have to push myself a lot sometimes.
when was the last time i could just lay in bed all day long??? and read a book....or so.
posted by:
Sharka
SF Bay Area
  • Re: where to get all the energy...

    Fri, July 4, 2008 - 1:24 PM
    I'm right there with you, Sharka. I have my two boys full time, and the only way i have really coped is by evolving to accept my role. I also expect my boys to contribute to running things (now that they are old enough). I get tired and grumpy; and i tell my kids I'm tired and grumpy when i am. I do get a little time off sometimes, but usually am not really up for a late night out when i do. Vacations with the kids are fun; at least the stress of organizing everything on top of working is not there.
    Just keep swimming.
  • Re: where to get all the energy...

    Sat, July 5, 2008 - 7:11 PM
    ... tired and grumpy! Hey, I know that one and so does my son. He's 10 now and have been giving him a little more leee way to do things on his own. With this newfound 'freedom' I am putting more responsibilities. Packing his own things, etc. If they are forgotten then he (hopefully) learns his lesson. Still working out the details. This in turn gives me more time to recharge. Longer bathtime (for me), quiet/nap time, etc.

    Working full time SUCKS! I mean it really stinks. Not helping here, but it felt good to share.
    • working full time really does suck

      Sun, July 6, 2008 - 5:56 PM
      oh Katie, I can't tell you how much i agree with you about working. I have a job where I get some time off in the winter, which is so great for my kids; but the money part isn't so good, so I have been looking into a promotion to supervisor. Then I would have to work all year 'round. What a grind! I tried to get a flex schedule, working long days when I could get a babysitter, and short days most of the week; but my (government) employer was unwilling to go there. I dream of a mythical, enlightened country somewhere, where the wealthy, enlightened government would pay parents to raise good kids; maybe working part time.

      Like Katie, I'm not really helping much with this post; but I had to vent as well.
      • Re: working full time really does suck

        Sun, July 6, 2008 - 8:16 PM
        ...since i come from an europian country, i can compare... the US is not as pro family as it is trying to look...
        day care horribly expensive, no real maternity leaves...no universal health coverage...etc. this country is very capitalist. unfortunately.
        families have to pay for everything .. and both parents have to work to pay it all. such is reality.
        and the money spent on war is just unbelievable. this whole picture makes no sense!
        • Re: working full time really does suck

          Sun, July 6, 2008 - 9:22 PM
          AND, last I checked we had one of the highest infant and maternal mortality rates among industrialized countries..... as a result of high c-section rates, very little nutritional guidance during pregnancy, mothers being rushed out of hospitals with little-to-no post-partum care.... (all because our births are viewed as surgeries and illnesses, whereas the midwifery model is health-based and nurture-based)

          blah blah blah!

          Ahhh, to be a mother in the Scandinavian countries..... 1 year of maternity leave, at-home postpartum visits by midwives, midwifery care throughout pregnancy, etc etc!

          Oops, lemme get down from my soapbox. ;)
          • Re: working full time really does suck

            Mon, July 7, 2008 - 11:34 AM
            And isn't that one year of maternity leave in Scandinavia MANDITORY with partial pay?

            We have seriously missed the mark on birthing in this country.
            • Re: working full time really does suck

              Mon, July 7, 2008 - 11:52 AM
              I read an interesting article comparing attitudes towards illness and health in different cultures... in many European countries, having 5 or 6 weeks off per year is considered necessary for maintaining a basic level of health. It is not a "vacation" or a reward or a luxury: it's a prescription. If you get sick, you are more likely to be given time away from work than a pharmaceutical solution.
          • Re: working full time really does suck

            Mon, July 7, 2008 - 5:27 PM
            Can I have the soapbox, now? All the lip service American Society pays to "family values" and "pro-family" seems like some sort of longing for a lost Eisenhower era; where women had very little standing outside the home, and men participated in the family by going to work and earning money for new cars. This sort of sick ideal was bad for both mother and father. I never connected with my father very well, as he was always working, and my mother really wanted to have a career, but didn't feel like she could, or should.

            On the other side, both my boys were born at home, and we had a midwife instead of a doctor and hospital. But I was fortunate that my health insurance covered it. My employer changed carriers, and now it wouldn't fly.

            Okay, I'm done now.
            • Re: working full time really does suck

              Tue, July 8, 2008 - 9:40 AM
              And another thing ... a woman who is going to give birth at home and has a midwife is likely to be taking good care of herself and her baby. These are not the people who have high infant mortality rates. I believe we have more drug addicted mothers than other countries do, and these are the higher risk pregnancies.
          • Re: working full time really does suck

            Tue, July 8, 2008 - 9:36 AM
            Just saying we have a relatively high rate of mortality doesn't really say anything because it doesn't address the reasons for that mortality. It isn't going to be from c-sections or working mothers. It is going to be from people who don't take advantage of the resources that were put there for there and don't take care of themselves or their baby. You can't go around abusing crack or meth every day and have a healthy baby. You can't blow off going for prenatal care and simply show up at an emergency room when you are in labor ... or worse, toss the baby into a dumpster or bathroom trashcan.

            The reason for the higher rate of infant mortality is that we in this country have the right to make poor choices as well as good ones. Nobody comes to a pregnant woman's door with a gun and forces her to a clinic. We throw millions of dollars at programs for care for indigent mothers. The care is there but you can't make them use it. We have a larger number of people in this country who simply don't give a damn about their baby or their own body than other countries do. And what kind of person do you think the daughter of such a person would be when she grows up? And so the problem perpetuates to the next generation.

            It isn't OUR fault. Sometimes it is THEIR fault.

            By the way, you can blame lawyers like John Edwards for the higher c-section rate. He specialized in bringing lawsuits against doctors whenever there was any complication with a child who was born naturally. He argued that it wouldn't have happened if there was a c-section. So now doctors want to do a c-section to avoid being sued. Edwards was especially into suits involving cerebral palsy. Trouble is, the c-section rate skyrocketed in South Carolina and the CP rate stayed about the same. No matter, damage done.
            • Re: working full time really does suck

              Tue, July 8, 2008 - 5:55 PM
              Both my kids were adopted through fost-adopt. My daughter's birthmother sought no prenatal care - at all. The first time she went to the doctor was when she was 36 weeks pregnant, and only then because she had a urinary tract infection.
              • Re: working full time really does suck

                Wed, July 9, 2008 - 9:43 PM
                Also, you must be very careful in comparing infant mortality numbers. Many countries consider any death less than 24 hours after birth to be a still birth and not infant mortality. Also, countries have differences in when they consider a premature birth a "live birth". The US considers any baby showing a signs of life to be born alive and if it dies, it gets added to the "infant mortality" statistics. Many of these births would not be so noted in other countries such as many in Europe. Check out the Wikipedia article on infant mortality for more information.

                Simply comparing infant mortality stats from one country to another is not an apples to apples comparison.
  • Re: where to get all the energy...

    Tue, July 8, 2008 - 12:17 AM
    I think it is harder to be a single Dad when there is no Mom and no other family in the picture. A lot of the support for single parents is designed to support women, not men. Nobody wants to see a man in their babysitting share group. Nobody generally wants to see a man in their single parent group. Take the kids to the park more than twice in a week and I have been treated like I was some kind of stalker ... like "what is THAT guy doing here". It pretty much sucks to be a male sole parent in a place far from family.
    • kt
      kt
      offline 24

      Re: where to get all the energy...

      Tue, July 8, 2008 - 9:05 AM
      I have been saying in my mind how much I want a Manny for my son! You don't see them very often. Vogue did an op ed on Mannies, I thought it was wicked smart idea for kids and people in general. Just to let you know, Geekster, I got your back!
      (PS just to chip in here and correct the picture of infant mortality rate described above, this logic also comes into play...you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. a lot of moms choose not to get the care or follow it on their own.)
      • Re: where to get all the energy...

        Tue, July 8, 2008 - 11:21 AM
        I refuse to believe that most of the mothers who die in childbirth (or post-childbirth) are drug-addicted mothers.

        I have many friends in the childbirth field, and they have all witnessed OBs doing crazy things, like yanking the placenta out of the uterus before it's ready to be birthed, causing hemorrhaging... and of course all of the induced labors because the OBs are going on vacation, or the mother wants to make sure she gets "her" OB while he/she is on schedule... the great lack of nutritional counseling during pregnancy (because OBs don't know much about nutrition).... mothers being paralyzed from the waist down (aka epidurals) and lying in bed with monitors attached to them, which of course zaps her ability to be in-tune with her body..... etc etc etc!

        Yes, litigation is a HUGE issue in our country, esp. in childbirth... and California is the worst! We have more lawyers here than the rest of the country combined.

        Perhaps if we had a system that was more focused on health CARE instead of disease profit.............. :-\
        • Re: where to get all the energy...

          Wed, July 9, 2008 - 9:45 PM
          "I refuse to believe that most of the mothers who die in childbirth (or post-childbirth) are drug-addicted mothers. "

          I don't think anyone said that. I think what I said, at least, was that we have MORE drug addicted mothers than other industrialized countries. Also, I thought we were talking about infant mortality, not mortality of the mother. My bad if I misunderstood.
          • Re: where to get all the energy...

            Wed, July 9, 2008 - 10:53 PM
            I come from Scotland, the heroin capital of the world! I'd be surprised if we had more drug addicts per capita than the UK.

            But I have no idea, really! It's all conjecture. :)

            P.S. Geekster... no offense taken! Disagreeing isn't a bad thing. :)
            • Re: where to get all the energy...

              Wed, July 9, 2008 - 11:13 PM
              I don't doubt that some areas of the UK have a problem with heroin. But it isn't only heroin. Add meth, cocaine, and frankly, there is a large population of people who just don't give a damn about their babies or their own bodies. Overall, I would say there are probably more such people here than there. But I don't know that to be fact. I would like to see some demographic information on mothers of infants who die. That's hard to come by, I think.
              • kt
                kt
                offline 24

                Re: where to get all the energy...

                Thu, July 10, 2008 - 5:31 AM
                Right. I don't know much about mother mortality rates, but I would wager that that is low and has been very low for some time, especially in response to the number of c-sections and the number of hospital births for quite some time. I think hosptial would save the mother over the fetus in a bad case scenario.

                I have read infant mortality rate to be due to 2 major factors: low birth rate and pre-term deliveries. These factors result from the population of mother's who use drugs and alcohol; and from in vertrio-fertilization practice largely. IVF result in mulitples, and mubltiples statistcially result in births that are (1) delivered pre-term and (2) at low birth weight and (3) often not all of the multiples survive, either because of the 2 previous factors being present or they die in utero. There is some study being done to "correct" the US infant mortality rate to accommodate for the IVF statistics so it doesn't throw the curve off so much.
                • kt
                  kt
                  offline 24

                  Re: where to get all the energy...

                  Thu, July 10, 2008 - 5:58 AM
                  Nutritional counseling is offered for women on welfare, and a food subsidy program is in place for those mothers at risk. If a mom is attending an OB it is most likely she is not in this population, at risk that is. Geek is right too, there are a lot of factors that go in to calculating what infant mortality is, and that's why we see the numbers rise or the numbers compare disfavorably across country. I also have read that if a child is born preterm or underweight that it's chances of surviving is highest in US hospitals because of their advanced neonatal care practices. Anyway, it's a good topic to research. WE can go on and on how doctors don't do enough for us, but the tide is turning to fostering self-care and promoting education so to curb chronic illnesses and disorders.
                  • This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.

                    Re: where to get all the energy...

                    Thu, July 10, 2008 - 12:23 PM
                    There is also a lot of help available from sources one might not generally think of. If one is poor but wants to ensure their heath and the health of the baby, there are often non-government community-based services that can help. For example Catholic Social Services might be able to help ... even if you aren't Catholic www.css-phl.org/ . They have health care and nutritional services and they approach people as human beings. A mother wanting to ensure the health of her baby is right up their alley. When my mom was a single mother struggling to raise two kids on her own and her work hours got cut back, she found help there and we aren't Catholic ( we're Episcopal ). Jewish Social Services www.jssa.org/home is another ... and you don't have to be Jewish. They are simply involved in helping their community. It is neighbors helping neighbors. In areas with a large Mormon population, there is the Relief Society but you are going to get a lot of the sales pitch to join the church, we got none of that from the Catholics when we were on hard times.

                    So there is a lot more help out there than people realize and it doesn't all come from the nameless, faceless government. Sometimes there are community groups who are willing to get someone through a rough patch and an expectant mother would be one of their top priorities. These charities are also worthy of a donation of money or time, even if you don't share their religion, you can still share their values of service to your neighbors.

Recent topics in "Single Moms and Dads"

Topic Author Replies Last Post
children out of "wedlock" kt 8 August 18, 2008
Anyone interested in child "swaping" on the weekends? Sharka 1 August 15, 2008
impressive papa tom 1 August 15, 2008
free legal counsel thru state kt 2 August 14, 2008